TOW unfilled silence
by collected entropy
Summary: It seemed to him whatever random, insensitive comment he pulled out of no where, wasn’t as personal as an awkward silence chap 5 she was positive he'd die if she told him that, and was almost positive he wouldn't believe her...
1. rambling

_My first 'Friends' work, focusing on Chandler and the brain blast on his personality I had a couple of seconds ago. I donno where this will go, depending on the response this could be a stand alone drabble, there may be companion pieces or I could turn it into a story just tell me what you want._

Chandler couldn't stand unfilled silences.

It made him nervous, and would blurt out whatever he was thinking which usually got him in trouble. But he continued to do as such. Because it seemed to him whatever random, insensitive comment he pulled out of no where, wasn't as personal as an awkward silence. And his rambling and nervous chattering wasn't nearly as deathening as the sounds of silence.

He wasn't sure why but he couldn't control his impulse, he also wasn't sure why his life consisted around his own little defense mechanisms.

Sarcasm being the most obvious one, the one that also linked in with his silence complex and his inability to stop his mouth, but he had a few more subtle mechanisms that even his closest friends failed to notice or passed up as one of his more strange qualities.

Like his compulsion to try and undo situations it always felt to him that by doing something that designates the opposite feeling, he can regain control over the situation that he lost. Although this seems to clash with his sarcasm and silence problem as he blurts out things and then tries to deny that he ever said anything.

He always thought these weren't some of his better qualities and if he really wanted to think about it, it must relate to a need of control in his life. He thinks that's why Monica is his closest female friend. She also displays a need for control in her life, and while Chandler handles this verbally, she channels it physically, by controlling her environment rather than emotions and conversations.

He sees it in Phoebe too, as much as she tries to hide it. She controls with opposing views, she steers people and backs people into corners by starting arguments. He's not sure if she even knows she does it, and if this control complex effects her more radical beliefs- as she is just trying to cause conflict. He supposes that's why he can communicate so well with her, though her habit forces her to come off a little bitchy and intolerable which means he can't stand long bouts with her.

He wonders if it may have to do with neglect, all three of them were in one way or another neglected as a child, though it is on three different levels of the spectrum from minor neglect and severe emotional abuse, to severe neglect and lesser emotional abuse. And of course himself, which was an unhealthy dose of both.

Which leads to his biggest problem and it's not even a combination of his other problems, but one glaring, most obvious flaw in his personality that he, himself is surprised and a little relieved that none of his friends had pick up on it.

Chandler is overly private and secretive.

Which seem a little odd if you had ever met him, and his outgoing and sarcastic nature. But he can feel himself slipping right at this very moment, into his tricks and lies while he's talking to his friends in the coffee house. He mentions his father's sexuality in a joke, receiving a half hearted laugh from a few of his nicer friends. He can feel it wearing thin on them, but they don't question why he acts this way.

He had found out early, the key to a successful lie is confidence which would makes him great sales man, or speaker in conferences. Not that he is lying now per say, or even hiding his feelings, but the fact of sticking to a few very simple points.

His father is gay

his mother embarrasses him

his mother is a romance novelist, no one was around in his childhood

his father used to dress up like a women to school functions

his father runs a cross-dressing Vegas burlesque

he's an only child.

He picks a few points in his life to stick with; he figured parent professions were necessary, which opened up the can of worms which is his father. Even still he stick to a few very clear points, he brings up thanksgiving, parent teacher night and a swim meet, beyond that his father never did a thing to embarrass him… as far as they know.

He bangs these points so hard it seems like he's giving away a life story, when really all he's giving is a small fraction, which he prefers, he's quiet happy to know they don't really know who he was and where he came from on a whole.

It's not a lack of trust, or even the stories he wont tell- but simply a preference to keep people at arms length.

He prefers them to think that his father moved out straight away rather than the actual fact of a two year custody/divorce battle which involved both of his parents living in the house because it affected the outcome. He preferred for them not to know his father deliberately tried entice him to the 'gay' life style as he puts it, by inviting promiscuous 'business associates' around all the time as an absolute screw you to his mother. Which ended up being a screw you to only Chandler as it made him insecure about his sexuality, and feminie with no role model to tell him other wise- but he hadn't minded to much at the time because for at least the time his parents were talking to him when they used to just talk through him.

And he'd rather them not know what he's seen in his life or the kinds of abuse he received from his parents, his two cousins emotional or other wise and he deffinatly didn't want them to know that the boys at his all boy school used considered him 'passable for a girl' if he pulled his hair up. Which also lead to his insecure sexuality.

Things like that just seemed to delicate for even a best friend- especially for a best friend. The fear of loosing control, or losing the people he cares about would be too much for anyone to bear.

He never meant to become so invested in his friends, or his lies but it had just worked out that way.

So as he snaps back a sarcastic comment from something mean Phoebe said about him, or says some sarcastic but less than vicious jab at Monica's cleaning. He feels- he knows if he can just keep control everything will be okay.

But everything's not okay he can feel it. He felt it the second the coffee house doors swung open with such incredible force.

With the doors open he can see the door on all his secrets opening, and he see a person he swore he'd never see again staring back at him intently. He can feel tension and the confusion in the air and as he hears a few hurried words spring from both their mouths he knows he's losing. And as he shifts uncomfortably in his chair as this person looks back at him expectantly he knows he's losing.

And as everyone looks at him, expectantly as to divulge something more personal than he's willing to talk about he knows he's losing.

And now he wishes he knew how to deal better with unfilled silences.


	2. musing

_A continuation not in the way you probably though I was going to go. I've decided to go through all the friends eventually picking flaws__ but tie it back Chandler somehow because I play blatant favorites. I thought Joey was the next logical step. I know this is mainly centered around Chandler than Joey but I found while I wanted to pick Chandler apart I just wanted Joey to simmer in thought and I thought his most glaring flaw. That is his dependence on Chandler. P.S still following Chandler's mysterious past that will be explained probably in the next chapter. Double P.S not a mondler fan, so don't count on it. (I know I'll loose fans over this)_

_Responses (never done one of these before- I like it )_

_**Mondlerlove **__I'm glad you like it, but most likely not a mondler story- set before anything slightly mondler anyway._

_**Kate56 **__I'm glad you like my knit picking, while not romantic I will touch base on Chandler/Monica friendship and as for 'write more about how Monica and Chandler work their way together with both of them so concerned about control, physically and emotionally' as friends? You can absolutely count on it._

_**CrazyRabidPhoebe **__I really don't, I am ashamed to say I've seen limited friends episodes and am more of a new fan, but I'm glad I got the right idea on his character._

_**Marie **__hun the way I'm going we may never truly know who comes through the door, but a clue is given more glaringly in this chap and a very subtle one in the last one (but if you find the other one your golden on who it is)._

_**gidget89 **__glows this is an awesome review, and I will so totally do that in another fic- just not this one._

_**KyliedaRock **__I have continued! Feel free to praise (not really ) thanks for the comment!_

_**Exintaris **__most constructive review I've ever gotten. I'm glad you saw that none of them had very easy childhoods, except Ross, but I pointed out the worse case ones (also looked into Joey's family life, since I'm a total noob and missed huge pieces of info here and there I knew very little of this, but Joe's dad doesn't seem to bad.) Oh and no, not Janice (nice idea though.)_

Joey prefers unfilled silences.

To him it had always been a good thing when it was just a little quiet, it gave him time, and God knows he needed time, time to think, time to understand everything around him and just time to wonder.

Joey best friend doesn't like silence. Chandler will fill them the best way he knows how, a joke, a random comment, or accidentally blurt out something personal. He wonders if maybe Chandler afraid of them. Silences that is. He will however, for Joey's sake create pauses, short ones, so he can work out whatever he had been to slow to process the first time around.

Joey liked to think Chandler does this cause he liked him the best, better than he likes anyone else because that what best friends did and that's what they were. Best friends. And that he would never suffer through silence unless it was for Joey's sake.

He always found this a strange comfort; that this is his way of showing how much he trusts him in his Chandler patented, mocking way. Because the reason he's so scared must be, Chandler must think that people judge him. He must know Joey would never judge him when he's already in a position where any sort of judgment would be hypocritical. Whatever that means.

Not that Joey has ever judged him, or could judge him even. He makes fun though. And tease him the way that good friends do. But he wouldn't dream of judging Chandler.

He wonders if it's an own personal fault, cause no matter how much he pokes and makes fun of him. Or points out glaring faults and no matter how much it seems like he doesn't put his friend on a pedestal, he knows that he does. He wants to be Chandler. He wants to be Chandler more than anything. He wants to be that smart, and quick and always know how to come through in the end guy. Not that he's ever admit it though, cause Chandler doesn't need that kind of ego.

But all he wants when it comes down to it, is what he knows Chandler will certainly get in the future, like he's practically be promised to since birth. A wife, kids, a white picketed fence and all that jazz. Or maybe he wants that feeling he gets when he's around him, the one that's so safe- Chandler must feel that way all the time.

He'd give away the dozens of nameless women in his little back book, or his natural confidence or his good looks to have what he has, to feel what he does, to get what he's going to get.

Though he worries if he were Chandler, he couldn't be best friends with Chandler. that would be the most horrible thing in the world. And even though that confuses him, cause he knows he's not the smart one. He guesses he better stick to being his best friend, and being that one person who gets close to him.

he ponders over this he's glad he's not Chandler at that moment, cause other wise he would have blurted it all out randomly in some awkward silence. As that's what he would do.

Joey questions if this would be his greatest flaw, he had many flaws; his sluttiness, his thick headedness, his pride and his obliviousness. But he thinks his co-dependant nature would be his biggest flaw.

He can't live without Chandler. The man sitting across from him in Central Perk who would usually be lost in some devastating thought, not to deeply though as he'd break to make some snappy, witty comment that Joey loved to hear.

Instead he sat uncomfortably talking to a tall man who's name or affiliation to Chandler he hadn't exactly got. He would shot Joey a pleading look that he hoped he will never see on Chandler's face again.

It takes all he can to mutter some excuse and drag Chandler forcefully by the hand up to our apartment, the man who Joey has decided he does not like, smirks knowingly at them, which also confuses Joey and makes his dislike the nameless man more.

I sit him down and put a beer in his hand.

"Joey…"

"I know"

A appreciative glance, a weakened smile and my favourite person watching me in an unreadable but not unpleasant way. This isn't bad.

And now to bask in the sounds of blissful silence.


	3. Disquieting

LONG INTRO- BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE 

I'm back Baby! After major writer block, fall out with two very close friends (not my fault btw, just thought I'd mention that ), finishing high school and starting higher learning, I have finally willed myself into action. I really want to finish this but I have like 3 friends to finish and maybe another Chandler- that's like 4 chapters!!!

_Fair warning, I'm rusty and tired and Monica is the character I'm least good at expressing- because it's hard to try and show her developing into her later character when the change was so sudden. I tried a little Chandler/Monica because it made sense since she did have a crush on him (which I totally think lasted longer than what they let on but was done with before the series started.) K tried some Monicaisms, which are hard cause she's hard to write (p.s I didn't diverge into her controlisms much cause it's about Chandlers issues not where she got hers.)_

_A little Monica/Chandler bashing very slight, and totally not intentional but a foreshadow to Monica future vice grip over Chandler._

_p.s. my editor was one of said friends so bare with me for a while. Thanks._

_Anywho:_

_KyliedaRock __thank you, I hope this is the direction you were hoping for._ _Mondlerlove __okay, Mondler is admitadly growing on me… But! Not married mondler or non secret Mondler which limits me to hell… oh! You think he idolizes him to?! That great, I thought it was just me being crazy._ _Oh and btw I was thinking of you when I decided to put some sort of memories of past crush maybe present crush in here. _ _Exintaris __okay first off, please don't get mad this is defiantly not my best work but I'm just trying to get back in the game so I know there are problems I will have to go back and fix with this. But to the point I'm glad you liked my interpretation of Joey, though I didn't touch on it my of the chapter I always felt Joey would be the clingy possible crush one rather than Chandler- but hey I'm also the one who doesn't think Chandler acts all that gay…_

_Thank you for the 'cause pick up, I didn't know I was doing it. Oh and thanks for signing up! Also I'm feeling also aprihensive on this Chapter so while taking into account what I said before I do hope for a good review so I can make alterations._

_thanks_

Monica is sick of silence.

No! She is afraid of what she can't control.

It rings through her relationships, her family… her friends. Even when they're loud and joking, they are so silent. So uncontrollable.

Chandler, her closest male friend, had always tried to drown out his own silence with words. With joking and laughter, with lies. She liked to think she was sharper than her brother gave her credit- she was much better at sifting through personalities than he was.

Monica knows she is not stupid. She always cares a lot more than most people give her tribute to. She'd like to think out of all his friends, that she saw him for him. That she 'got him' like no one else did. That she understood.

But she's not sure.

She can accept her flaws, but this fault, this not being able to see him as a whole. It was killing her… she wanted to take control over this friendship, over him. To take him, hold him… fix him.

And part of her knows he wants to be controlled, to let go, he wants control but at the same time he'd gladly give her the responsibility if she asked.

Which she won't.

She couldn't.

Could she?

She does cared more than most people will admit her too. She wanted him to be happy, whatever made him happy she didn't mind. He could be unemployed and rid of his horrible job, married to Janice or even gay with Joey- not something she would like. But she would be happy… if he were happy.

Really happy.

If he could be himself.

Monica can accept flaws, but she wont change them. She has a tendency to judge people on first appearances; people have to work hard to win her back. People have to live up to **her** standards, there has never been a time when she was submissive. People had to do something pretty spectacular, like leave their future husband or live homeless for me to take them back.

Chandler said he was sorry. I realize he probably didn't even know what he was apologising for, he probably couldn't even remember. But he looked at me. He gave me a look I was sure he had never given anyone, a look of utter sincerity. He was the first person she didn't put up with; she didn't let him get away with it. He was the first person to apologise for the horrible things he said about me.

It was nice.

And it set the wheels for a new Chandler, my Chandler.

Everyone who has ever gotten close to Chandler Bing must have noticed his shift in personality person to person. It took her a while but I saw it, he was a whole different person with her, and that felt special.

She changed for him, but at the same time he changed for her. Just by knowing her, she had changed into a more wonderful, beautiful, skinnier person.

She liked the new Chandler, the Chandler that acted different around her, but she didn't love him. She didn't feel that rush, ever around him, that she had when she first met him. Except when he was around Ross.

As painful as it was for a while she had a crush on Ross's Chandler- the person Chandler was when he was around him. She even resented Ross for it, for longer than she really care to admit. Ross always had a way of bringing out a truer side of him, truer than anything she'd managed. That's what had made Ross his best friend for so long.

She always knew Chandler was different. And she found herself liking every side she saw, Joey's Chandler is so happy, close to real happy, so natural- and she understood why Joey had replace Ross as quickly as he did. So Ross wasn't Chandler's best friend and he was a different Chandler again for he wasn't the Chandler that was best friends with Ross. And Monica lost for a while, a reason to care about him in any romantic way.

She really liked Chandler with Phoebe; they bounced off each other so well. She thinks the Phoebe understands, she doesn't get him, but she understands. He has fun with her, sort of childlike but serious and understanding at the same time.

They spend a lot of time together and Monica wonders if maybe one day they'll get married. She think that would be right that he would marry a friend, he'd feel safe that way… but Phoebe once told her that she didn't think she could ever think about he in a sexual nature. Oh well, she was just going to have to get over that.

Oh and Rachel's Chandler was different again, not as developed, sort of meshed and sarcastic, but still so endearing, Rachel had once asked If Chandler was gay, and Monica said she didn't know, she didn't feel Rachel would be a very good match for him. After she started having dreams about him she asked again. Monica told her 'probably' and Rachel never asked again.

And just when she feels like she has him figured out, he will let a new Chandler escape, it is so hard to tell who's who in him anymore, she feels like she's going insane.

He's spent a week in his apartment with Joey, missing work, and shaking horribly. The man we met in the coffee house is the cause that must be it! Because it happened after he left.

He gave me a business card, Monica didn't look at it, and she couldn't. He told her to give it to him, she wanted so badly to shred it, to burn it, eat it anything!

To give him back some control… so that she could have some back in her life.

When he was a mess, well so was she.

She didn't shred it though, or burn it or eat it. It wasn't something she could do, she smoothed it out and gave it to Joey the next day hoping he was strong enough to do it. After all he is his best friend.

Monica justs wants this silence to end. She wants him to be around trying to fill up space and make jokes that aren't funny and to tell her she's beautiful when I guy breaks her heart and for him to just be there!

She can't control it, who he is. The way she feel about him. she can't control him.

She can't control the silent him. Is that the ugly him? The part of him that maybe, possibly the part she couldn't accept? The part she couldn't… love?

That frightens her. There is something wrong he can be so silent and he scares her. He is not anyone she's met and it terrifies her that maybe that's the real Chandler.

She's afraid what the silence does to him, and one way or another she will take back the control.


	4. pretending

Ross

_Ross. How do you define him? Personally I could dissect this character just as much as Chandler, but I'm going to focus on one of my __favourite__ Ross 'types.' Early Ross was sweet, naïve and all around good guy… but he was still self important, a bit of a know it all and craves routine (something I found common with Chandler.)_

_I believe in a situation like this Ross wouldn't intervene unless commanded to and would feel it best to leave it alone until it dies and would have his own way of dealing with things._

_Side note: College breakdown? Plausible! don't judge me! You don't go around with that much hurt and don't crash ever- but so you know Ross is making it into a bigger deal because of said importance._

…_next up Rachel guys- what the hell should I do with her?!_

**Exintaris **god looking at it now I was planning on editing that chapter more… but instead I wrote another chapter… opps. Anyway I think everyone has multiple versions of themselves for different people but Chandler's just extreme enough to get away with it being a problem. My fav example of this which I sadly haven't (but will) gone into is Chandler with Rachel- it suggested that they go to lunch constantly (especially in the earlier seasons) and they come in to scenes together a lot (like Phoebe and Chandler too!) he just seems so placid with her until he shifts into 'all friends' Chandler.

**Champers **had agood binge read did you? Nothings better I say! I'm glad you like them, and I was worried they didn't seem to flow from one chapter to the next, but if you read them all at once and like them I guess they do… yay! Thanks for reviewing.

**Six of 1 **wow. None has ever begged for a chapter before… while I really appreciate the comment I was swamped with work (I have two jobs now) and school- but I finally had a little time and was reminded of this comment so wrote this. Heh I guess you sort of inspired me to do it… good work! I hope you like this.

_p.s mysterious past idea I said about is completely edited out because it just didn't work…sorry_

Ross is annoyed that people acted like he was ignorant.

It's not like he's stupid or something. He's a doctor! Well… okay not the medical kind of doctor, but he didn't spend years at school with his head in dusty books even his lectures classified as 'too complex' ie. Boring- so people would treat him like an imbecile.

Okay, so he realizes that maybe book smart isn't the same as people smart- but even he can see when something is wrong.

Or at least seriously wrong.

Because Chandler is his oldest friend. And if this had been any other Wednesday in the coffee house he would have been making some witty remark about how he had thought 'we were on a break' was now his favourite catchphrase or that he was having some sort of illicit affair with a dinosaur. And that was normal. The others would laugh their half patronizing, half routine laughs and Ross's chest would tighten a little for a second until Chandler sent him the look- his half rueful half apologetic half please smile and everything was alright. Because it's what they did. It was routine, because no one wanted to change.

Least of all Chandler. Or him.

Because a smile always seemed to confirm years of friendship, it showed something beyond what people saw, it showed everything from the first time Chandler had laughed and told Ross that he was his best friend, to that only time Chandler had talked to him seriously about his work and told him that his passion was really admirable.

And all the pain of the comment would rush out and he would put up a token protest before they slipped back into whatever the group had been talking about. This was always constant. It had taken so long for them to get there, he didn't think it would ever change.

But it wasn't some other Wednesday, It wasn't like any other day in time frozen coffee shop- that he privately knew most of them went to out of habit that they used to go there to get completely shit-faced and it was the simple accessibility and routine which had felt as completely natural as it did now to meet and drink coffee.

But that wasn't the point. It didn't matter where, when or even really how, because Chandler wasn't there… or at least not totally and he was messing with routine! Which meant something bad had happened, because really the only thing they had ever had in common was their tendency to unexplainably repel women, that they were both incredibly lonely and most importantly there need for everything to stay constant.

Ross knew his reasons; as much as he hated to admit and would never tell anyway in fear it would get back to Chandler or Monica, he had a slight anal retentive and neurotic streak it him. It ran in his family. But he was quite good at grinning and bearing it, but everything had to have a place, and sometimes things were unavoidable like his wife turning out gay, or Phoebe who wouldn't stay still enough for him to peg hole her.

But Chandler had always been a constant. He live in the apartment he got when they graduated college, he lived with Kip- who was Chandler's constant (and his other best friend)- he worked in a job where nobody was sure exactly what he did, and hated it. But he was good at it, so he wouldn't change.

And that's the way it was. And while it was not without bumps in the road (like Ross's disastrous- and quite secret- blow out with Kip which was the straw that broke the life long friendship) but Chandler stayed the same and that comforted him.

And it comforted Chandler too. Because he was the friend that spent years trying to give him normalcy. He was the friend that knew.

And not in the crappy metaphorical sense either.

Everyone else met Chandler after the breakdown in college. Not that they ever talked about that. But he knew more than anyone else about how deep the problem of his past was, past the camp gay dad, sultry mum and questionable cousins.

Ross of course never knew how to deal with situations like this, he had, had a perfectly normal childhood free from psychologist, poisoned family pets, bedwetting, divorced bitter parents or any of the other crap he found out about his friend.

But he did the best he could so he humored him at Thanksgiving, and pretended like Chandler's estrangement to his father was as simple as what he told the other friends, kept secrets from everyone, and got three in the morning calls about things that could probably wait but he took them anyway.

and they would drink coffee, and joked with each other about their weird taste in women and Ross pretended it was all normal.

Because he was sure Chandler might die if Ross ever told all those things that had happened, so funny stories from their early friendship were punched up or stretched thin if not completely fictional and thing were normal.

That's because Ross knows with slight glee – but much personal disgust with himself- and seriousness that whether he like it or not he held power of Chandler that no one else did. All in the simple fact that Ross simply knew too much. He knew because of this he would never really cross him, besides jokingly and Ross knew this would make him have at least one permanent ally no matter what.

At that felt great and horrible at the same time

Because it seemed knowledge- as he always had suspected- was power.

So he knew what the others had been saying privately, they could call him dense he suppose, if they stated it he would deny it and he knew they would privately disagree.

Because Monica would think she knew him better than anyone.

And Joey would be positive he did.

Rachel probably wouldn't even know what was going on and Phoebe wouldn't probably even care.

And if Kip or Janice or anyone else had been there to see it as it was and perhaps they would have called his reaction cruel.

But Ross knew even if Chandler was in the coffee shop on this particular Wednesday making some sort of joke he noticed was not directed at him in the slightest, and he was gesturing with his hands the unconscious way that he'd picked up from Joey. He knew it was all a front.

Because Knowledge is power. And he knew that day a week ago when he came in looking for Chandler things would be bad for a while, and Ross wishes he could erase the fact it had ever happen from everyone's memory because it was a black stain on everything everyone else knew about Chandler.

And here in knowing all this Ross sat and did nothing. No Ross sat and laughed his half patronizing, half routine laugh and they drank coffee, and would joke with each other about their weird taste in women and Ross pretended it was all normal.

Because it wasn't like ignorant. No, he knew better than anyone when something was wrong and he would deal with it like they always had until it was back to normal.

Until then, he'd just pretend.


	5. feeling

**Edit: I tried to get this out so quick proper editing wasn't done- a few changes to make thing more coherent- even though Rach is only coherent up to a point. **

Question: what do you call an author who never updates.

Answer: if I said if was me would there be an angry mob with pitch forks.

God, I really have no excuse other than life has been difficult and this chapter was particularly hard to write. And now we are into a whole new year.

Rachel had to sound like no one else, she's not particularly anilitical, she feels things I hope it reflects.

_**Exintari:**__ I am especially sorry because you always review. That there was such a long freaking break, in reference to your review; this was semi in ross's point of view- he thinks he has a __weird__ choice in women (though I totally spaced on Julie- which was pretty bad of me) and that goes for the childhood- because if anyone would delude themselves into believing their childhood was perfectly normal- it would be Ross. I relise he has self knowledge of his favourite child standard, but if Monica wan't in the room I don't think he would refer to it as not normal. He sort of thinks he's better than her. Anywho I'm not sure you'll even like this chapter, it breaks style, but I couldn't really write Rachel breaking down Chandler in any sort of hard hitting way._

_**Champers:**__ you left me a really nice review and told me to update soon- and I didn't and I am very sorry. I hope you like this chapter, on anther note I remember reading and really liking your work, and I have a soft spot for randler so it's sort of suggested here._

Rachel ignores there presumptions.

But they presume she doesn't care- that she feel things, that she couldn't love her friend. Because she did, she really, really, did. She loved Chandler. She could hear the Gellar's having private aneurisms at the thought, but it wasn't like that, she didn't love Chandler like Monica did, or Joey or even Ross… but she did love him.

He always made her laugh, he suffered through her endless talk of fashion, and they had their lunch tradition. He always seemed happy even when he was sad, she loved that about him.

She was almost positive he'd just die if she told him that, and she's was defiantly positive he wouldn't believe her if she did tell him that. She's not sure he's ever believed it, when somebody has told him that they love him.

She imagined privately that she was in love with him. That if things had been different, that they'd met another way, or gone further than that time they made out when he was in college. She still thinks about it, as if sometimes she closes her eyes and she could almost feel the swell in her heart she gets from a guy she really likes.

Though sometimes when she imagined it felt wrong, though sometimes it felt right- but most of the time she felt like she knew it would never ever happen. Even if she really wanted it too.

She come back down to reality, and she could see him on his wedding day smiling lovingly into eyes that weren't hers. Chandler would marry Janice, or maybe Phoebe or some pretty laid back women who would ask him out instead of the other way around, and be the man in the relationship.

And she would marry some man who looked like he'd been plucked from a catalogue picture, or some hot forign guy- that would never try to hit on her friends.

But for right now, she would like it to be true. That she was madly in love, because if she was in love with him, she could kiss him, because if she was in love with him she could stop his hurting and she would know how to make it better.

If that failed she could just kiss cause it would feel good and she always felt better after kissing someone. She had kissed him before, a long time ago, and she could see her self in a room with hundreds of candles, getting swept up in a carefully planed moment.

But now the more she step away from fantasy, the more she thought maybe kissing wasn't the right route, she needed to think with her head about this, because this wasn't just anyone. This was her friend. Not her closest friend, but somebody who she couldn't live without.

So… maybe she could set him up. But Chandler would be difficult, he was always extra difficult, he'd probably fake enthusiasm and complain about it for weeks after. Or mess it up in the first five minuets on accident (on purpose). Partially because she didn't really want to see him even holding hands with someone else, but mainly cause she thinks Chandler doesn't really want to be in a relationship right now- or ever.

He doesn't want to be so close to someone. As much as it pains her, he fears the thought of someone having that big a part of him. Commitment terrifies him. Even she can see that (and if Monica was here, she'd roll her eyes at her and say 'duh.')

But she gets it. Better than Monica does, she gets being afraid of commitment- hell she ran out on a wedding. Okay that's not for the same reason he won't get in a relationship. But still she gets it. Really.

She understands he doesn't want to screw up a person so bad that they never recover, that he makes someone as screwed up as him. Which is insane, he can't do that much damage, he doesn't get women are strong. They don't just suddenly become screwed up over a failed relationship. They cry, and eat cookie dough and ice cream and burn their ex's stuff. Maybe throw some stuff around a bit if they're really upset.

Not that she thinks he's screwed up… well maybe a little. But not really cause that's just Chandler being Chandler, he's lovably screwed up! And even if being screwed up is true that just means there's more to love. Oh God. She used to say the exact same thing about Monica in high school about her weight. 'She's not fat, there's just more to love'

But Chandler can't not eat for a year, take daily hour long jogs and come out emotionally stable like Monica came out thin- because that's just not how it works.

There's no emotional crash diet for the psyche….

At least not anything she's seen advertised on paper view- but then again she doesn't watch a lot of T.V.

And now not only does she think she must be side tracking but she thinks she just rambling on like Chandler would, because really he's a bit of a rambler and maybe she's been spending to much time with him and that's why she's worried.

Hell, she may not know Chandler as well as everyone else -which is totally debatable because she's saw she at least knows him better than Phoebe- but she knows that's some day he'll slowly work out whatever it is that's got him up in knots.

So that he'll chew his mother out for making his childhood hard, or never being there, or making him a character in one of her books- which was something she just realized when she reread the story out the single mother of a son who sleeps around a lot and she had thought was a good story at the time, and now resides at the bottom of her waste basket.

Or maybe he'll talk to his father again- not that she presumes to know how that'll get fixed. Or maybe he will just put all the things behind him under a neat little label of things to painful to deal with. She knows he'll do something though, he might need a little push- but she knows that it'll work out, because it has too. Chandler's just to good a person for it not too.

He has to get better now because he's so sad, and it makes her so sad to and she'll die if he keeps drowning in depression, keeps skipping work and hiding in his room. Sometimes she forgets wanting to kiss him, she wants to slap him! Knock some sense into him. Tell him to stop being so self absorbed- even if was a little hypocritical of her, because people cared about him!

She wanted to scream, and yell and tell it to him straight. Cause hey, she may have been that spoiled, pretty rich girl, but life's not easy, not for anyone. Not for him, not for her not for anyone. But with friends like her, with friends like Joey or Monica or Ross or Phoebe, how could he sink into this depression. How could he just ignore all the good things, because there are just to many good things.

There are coffee shops, and best friends, and wasted afternoons. There are inside jokes and shared apartments and surprise parties. There were lots of good things, but he just focuses on the bad things. Afraid they'll judge him if he just lets it hang out. But it doesn't matter because they would love him anyway, they're a family.

So his first family was horrible, not a basis of comparison.

Now his second family, a family spread out over four apartments and a coffee shop and occasionally made detours in bars, restaurants, parks and job locations. They were dysfunctional and difficult and if you wanted to take the family metaphor to far- a little incestuous.

But they loved him, they love him. Even if he'll never believe it. Now she's decided she's going to have to say it. She's going to have to scream it. And they were going to have to say it. They were going to have to scream it. It was going to have to be said. And said. And said some more until nobody could deny it anymore.

Not even Chandler.


End file.
